‘For reasons that I will not go into as they are so traumatic, cheese is racist and may even be homophobic’
In an annoucement that has taken everyone by surprise it was revealed today that cheese is racist.
I had no idea
On hearing the news in a local sandwich shop Mavis Queenbury said, ‘I’m shocked. I come in here everyday to order a cheese and pickle sandwich. I didn’t realise that that made me a white supremacist who wished death on minorities. I will have to rethink my lunch, maybe I’ll have tuna and mayonnaise on ciabatta instead.’
Stilton just as bad
Harris Daze who first made the connection between cheese and racism has warned people not to think that they can just change their Cheddar to Stilton and everything will be OK. ‘The reasons why cheese is racist are too many and varied for me to go into now. You must educate yourself. I can say that Cheddar is the worst example, but anyone who eats any cheese is basically saying they support genocide.’
Firebombing
‘If anyone knows of any restaurant that has ever served cheese then they should be firebombed to teach them a lesson. I hope this will soon be government policy.
Cheese alternative
Luckily Mr Daze knows of a cheese alternative that will be suitable for those looking for a cheese-substitute. ‘I am importing Chxxse from Namibia, which is a cheese-like product made by black farmers from horse-hair and earth. It is Zero Carbon and only seven times the price of Cheddar. It’s been dyed black to be less offensive. I am offering 5% off all new orders so order today and
Continued on p.67
Have you been affected by any of these issues? Will you give up cheese now it is racist? If so, get in touch
Fitzrovia Circle 