‘We’ve had a good run, but it’s a struggle to find new things,’ said an anonymous spokesman. ‘I blame Brexit.’
After last week’s unsuccessful claim that pickled onions were racist, leftists have admitted they are getting worried that they are running out of things to call racist. ‘We’re just struggling to find the links anymore,’ Mr C said by video link from his mansion in Cheshire. ‘Socks, pillows, cats, tarmac…we’ve claimed all these things must be cancelled, but people think our reasons are getting tenuous. For example we cancelled socks because slave traders often wore them, but people just don’t care anymore.’
When asked if they had overplayed the racism card, Mr C said only a racist would suggest that, swore about plague island, drank a pint of vegan beer and…cont p.24
‘Whoever says it most gets a free chalet in Davos’
‘This is not a ban on the unvaccinated going outside. They just need to take a very deep breath at the start of their journey.’
Under new plans announced today the unvaccinated will be banned from breathing whilst outside.
‘Even though the vaccine works really well, the unvaccinated need to be kept apart from the vaccinated,’ said Guy Hands, minister for Dinghy Immigration. ‘Under this new scheme, the unvaccinated are not being discriminated against, they just need to make sure they take a big breath before they set off.’
When asked how the unvaccinated would be able to go on holiday he said, ‘I should imagine that foreign holidays will be tricky, but really it depends on the size of their lungs. With a bit of practice they should be able to get to France before they have to breathe again.’
Continued on page 24
‘It shouldn’t be controversial to say that we support BLT. They’re delicious and healthy’
An England footballer who wants to remain anonymous has waded into the row over the team kneeling before matches. ‘Yes, of course we are kneeling for BLT. It is amazing that this is controversial. They are the best sandwiches around’, he said, ‘and anyone who says otherwise is a racist and should be banned from all football grounds in the world for ever.’
Life can return to normal with never-ending quarantine
Leaked government guidelines show that they are about to introduce a ‘Forever Quarantine’. Speaking to the press the minister for Lying to the Public, Cathy Pollert admitted that this was the case.
‘We are proud to annouce this world-beating new policy that will knock Covid on the head and make sure that the UK is once again able to welcome people from around the world to our shores – as long as they don;t mind quarantining forever. But that is a small requirement compared with killing your granny, which might happen if they ever went outside again.
When questioned about the human rights aspects of this law, Pollert sniggered and said ‘Our lawyers are better funded than anyone else’s. And we make the laws. The only possible way to escape Forever Quarantine will be a big donation to a political party of our choice.’
Continued on page 24.
‘The Covid restrictions are insane,’ said rector Tommy Govern today, after renting Wembley Stadium for next Sunday’s service. ‘We are not allowed to sing in church, but I have just watched thousands of fans singing at the England match. This government is placing sport above worship.’
‘Singing is allowed at sporting events,’ he continued. ‘So we will have an inter-Church Football tournament every week on the pitch, whilst the congregation sings hymns and listens to a sermon in the stands. If this is the only way that we can legally worship our Lord and Saviour, so be it.‘
‘Britain will lead the way in solving the climate problem with a simple 100% reduction in our food intake’
The government today announced plans to be the first country to implement a so-called Zero Food’ policy. ‘By 2030,’ said Javier Blimp, Minister for Culture, Hospitality and Population Control, ‘We aim to have reduced food intake for most people in the country by 100%.’
That sounds a lot
When questioned he admitted that it was going to be hard to meet the target, owing to ‘people being used to eating food. The prospect of not eating food is a new idea that we have to get over with Fear, Propaganda and Bullying, as we did with the Covid stuff.’
But won’t people die without food?
‘If this happened today then yes, people would die,’ Blimp admitted. ‘But we are sure that by 2030 our scientists will have developed food substitute that will easily feed the entire population. Of course there may be a few issues at the start, but I don’t envisage any one I care for dying.
‘His roaring was wonderful. Much more impressive than the other spaniels’
A lion named Hannibal has won the Bardonshire dog show. ‘We have never seen such a wonderful mane on a Spaniel, Hannibal was the clear winner,’ one of the judges said.
But he’s not a Spaniel
Kerry Howe, owner of Fred, a spaniel that was competing in the same competition later said, ‘I am sure than Hannibal is great, but he is a lion. Lions should not be competing as spaniels. The whole world has gone mad if they accept this.’
Kerry has now been banned from entering the show again. Already seven other lions have applied to enter the next show in the spaniel class
‘Artists should be arrested if they do not bow to the current orthodoxy’
‘The art world has for too long let artists make work that doesn’t fit with the views of woke activists on Twitter,’ Sharia Elbert said today. ‘As head curator at Rawlson Galleries I have put in place a system to make sure this never happens again.
‘We used to choose artists to show based on merit. Now we will not even look at their work until it has been vetted by a committee of activists with their own axes to grind.’
Mx Elbert continued to give examples of work that was acceptable to be shown in a modern gallery. ‘Yes,’ she added, ‘This does mean that works by artists such as Renoir, Warhol, Pollock, Caravaggio, Michelangelo and so on must be destroyed, but that is no great loss. We have plenty of intersectional artists to replace them with. Ticket sales may be a little down, but that is a small price to pay for progressive freedom.’
‘If we do ever show work that you feel does not embrace all current woke standards, please get in touch and we will do our best to rectify the situation.’