‘Whoever says it most gets a free chalet in Davos’
‘It shouldn’t be controversial to say that we support BLT. They’re delicious and healthy’
An England footballer who wants to remain anonymous has waded into the row over the team kneeling before matches. ‘Yes, of course we are kneeling for BLT. It is amazing that this is controversial. They are the best sandwiches around’, he said, ‘and anyone who says otherwise is a racist and should be banned from all football grounds in the world for ever.’
Life can return to normal with never-ending quarantine
Leaked government guidelines show that they are about to introduce a ‘Forever Quarantine’. Speaking to the press the minister for Lying to the Public, Cathy Pollert admitted that this was the case.
‘We are proud to annouce this world-beating new policy that will knock Covid on the head and make sure that the UK is once again able to welcome people from around the world to our shores – as long as they don;t mind quarantining forever. But that is a small requirement compared with killing your granny, which might happen if they ever went outside again.
When questioned about the human rights aspects of this law, Pollert sniggered and said ‘Our lawyers are better funded than anyone else’s. And we make the laws. The only possible way to escape Forever Quarantine will be a big donation to a political party of our choice.’
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‘The Covid restrictions are insane,’ said rector Tommy Govern today, after renting Wembley Stadium for next Sunday’s service. ‘We are not allowed to sing in church, but I have just watched thousands of fans singing at the England match. This government is placing sport above worship.’
‘Singing is allowed at sporting events,’ he continued. ‘So we will have an inter-Church Football tournament every week on the pitch, whilst the congregation sings hymns and listens to a sermon in the stands. If this is the only way that we can legally worship our Lord and Saviour, so be it.‘
‘Britain will lead the way in solving the climate problem with a simple 100% reduction in our food intake’
The government today announced plans to be the first country to implement a so-called Zero Food’ policy. ‘By 2030,’ said Javier Blimp, Minister for Culture, Hospitality and Population Control, ‘We aim to have reduced food intake for most people in the country by 100%.’
That sounds a lot
When questioned he admitted that it was going to be hard to meet the target, owing to ‘people being used to eating food. The prospect of not eating food is a new idea that we have to get over with Fear, Propaganda and Bullying, as we did with the Covid stuff.’
But won’t people die without food?
‘If this happened today then yes, people would die,’ Blimp admitted. ‘But we are sure that by 2030 our scientists will have developed food substitute that will easily feed the entire population. Of course there may be a few issues at the start, but I don’t envisage any one I care for dying.
‘His roaring was wonderful. Much more impressive than the other spaniels’
A lion named Hannibal has won the Bardonshire dog show. ‘We have never seen such a wonderful mane on a Spaniel, Hannibal was the clear winner,’ one of the judges said.
But he’s not a Spaniel
Kerry Howe, owner of Fred, a spaniel that was competing in the same competition later said, ‘I am sure than Hannibal is great, but he is a lion. Lions should not be competing as spaniels. The whole world has gone mad if they accept this.’
Kerry has now been banned from entering the show again. Already seven other lions have applied to enter the next show in the spaniel class
‘Artists should be arrested if they do not bow to the current orthodoxy’
‘The art world has for too long let artists make work that doesn’t fit with the views of woke activists on Twitter,’ Sharia Elbert said today. ‘As head curator at Rawlson Galleries I have put in place a system to make sure this never happens again.
‘We used to choose artists to show based on merit. Now we will not even look at their work until it has been vetted by a committee of activists with their own axes to grind.’
Mx Elbert continued to give examples of work that was acceptable to be shown in a modern gallery. ‘Yes,’ she added, ‘This does mean that works by artists such as Renoir, Warhol, Pollock, Caravaggio, Michelangelo and so on must be destroyed, but that is no great loss. We have plenty of intersectional artists to replace them with. Ticket sales may be a little down, but that is a small price to pay for progressive freedom.’
‘If we do ever show work that you feel does not embrace all current woke standards, please get in touch and we will do our best to rectify the situation.’
Covid ‘sofa variant’ to keep the country locked down until Christmas
The next unlocking date for the country is looking in doubt after a new Covid variant was found down the back of the PM’s new sofa.
‘We knew it was somewhere, but no one could remember where they had last seen it,’ a No.10 spokesman said. ‘We were beginning to panic that we would have no reason to keep the country locked down. Then the PM said ‘hang on, I’ve had an idea,’ looked behind the cushions on his new sofa and pulled it out. We are very lucky that the PM found the Sofa Variant, or we might have had to open up the country.’
The spokesman continued, ‘If everyone could keep an eye out for new variants and send any new ones to the Ministry for Scaremongering, Whitehall, that would be very helpful. We still hope to completely unlock the country by 2050.’
Whistleblower claims policy decisions made by late night dice rolls
Mr Hxncxck, who wishes to remain anonymous but claims he holds ‘a high level role in the government’ has admitted that Covid policy has ‘mainly been decided by rolling dice’.
‘It started when we couldn’t decide how long to lock down for. The PM said, ‘I’ll fetch my lucky dice,’ and he rolled a three. So we locked down for three weeks.’
‘Soon we were putting all our decisions to the dice. We even decided how many Nightingale hospitals to open by rolling dice. I actually said we shouldn’t use dice to decide how much PPE to order, but I was overruled by the PM.
‘We has no idea how long was appropriate for quarantine, so we rolled two dice and came up with two fives. So we said you had to quarantine for ten days, but could take a test after five. It was a good compromise that took both dice into account.’
These revelations have been met by widespread head-nodding. Phrases such as ‘At last the illogical government response to Covid makes sense’ have been heard around the UK.