‘Whoever says it most gets a free chalet in Davos’
‘This is not a ban on the unvaccinated going outside. They just need to take a very deep breath at the start of their journey.’
Under new plans announced today the unvaccinated will be banned from breathing whilst outside.
‘Even though the vaccine works really well, the unvaccinated need to be kept apart from the vaccinated,’ said Guy Hands, minister for Dinghy Immigration. ‘Under this new scheme, the unvaccinated are not being discriminated against, they just need to make sure they take a big breath before they set off.’
When asked how the unvaccinated would be able to go on holiday he said, ‘I should imagine that foreign holidays will be tricky, but really it depends on the size of their lungs. With a bit of practice they should be able to get to France before they have to breathe again.’
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‘They are not thinking of the people who will be saved by them firing a bullet into their head’
Government minister Harry Lime has been supported by colleagues after his claim that people who refuse to play Russian Roulette are selfish.
Chucked out of society
‘If anything, Harry didn’t go far enough,’ Sarah Bing, minister for Billionaires said. ‘If people are not willing to play Russian Roulette then they have proved themselves to be so selfish they should be banned from football matches and nightclubs. No, they should be chucked out of society. I shouldn’t announce this yet, but we are looking to rent a reservation in Rhodesia where they could all live far from our law abiding citizens who are happy to play Russian Roulette whenever the government asks.’
Only last week
When asked if she enjoyed a good game of Russian Roulette she showed a picture of her playing the game last weekend, although critics say that the revolver was a toy and the bullets were made of cheese.
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‘It shouldn’t be controversial to say that we support BLT. They’re delicious and healthy’
An England footballer who wants to remain anonymous has waded into the row over the team kneeling before matches. ‘Yes, of course we are kneeling for BLT. It is amazing that this is controversial. They are the best sandwiches around’, he said, ‘and anyone who says otherwise is a racist and should be banned from all football grounds in the world for ever.’
Life can return to normal with never-ending quarantine
Leaked government guidelines show that they are about to introduce a ‘Forever Quarantine’. Speaking to the press the minister for Lying to the Public, Cathy Pollert admitted that this was the case.
‘We are proud to annouce this world-beating new policy that will knock Covid on the head and make sure that the UK is once again able to welcome people from around the world to our shores – as long as they don;t mind quarantining forever. But that is a small requirement compared with killing your granny, which might happen if they ever went outside again.
When questioned about the human rights aspects of this law, Pollert sniggered and said ‘Our lawyers are better funded than anyone else’s. And we make the laws. The only possible way to escape Forever Quarantine will be a big donation to a political party of our choice.’
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‘The Covid restrictions are insane,’ said rector Tommy Govern today, after renting Wembley Stadium for next Sunday’s service. ‘We are not allowed to sing in church, but I have just watched thousands of fans singing at the England match. This government is placing sport above worship.’
‘Singing is allowed at sporting events,’ he continued. ‘So we will have an inter-Church Football tournament every week on the pitch, whilst the congregation sings hymns and listens to a sermon in the stands. If this is the only way that we can legally worship our Lord and Saviour, so be it.‘
‘Britain will lead the way in solving the climate problem with a simple 100% reduction in our food intake’
The government today announced plans to be the first country to implement a so-called Zero Food’ policy. ‘By 2030,’ said Javier Blimp, Minister for Culture, Hospitality and Population Control, ‘We aim to have reduced food intake for most people in the country by 100%.’
That sounds a lot
When questioned he admitted that it was going to be hard to meet the target, owing to ‘people being used to eating food. The prospect of not eating food is a new idea that we have to get over with Fear, Propaganda and Bullying, as we did with the Covid stuff.’
But won’t people die without food?
‘If this happened today then yes, people would die,’ Blimp admitted. ‘But we are sure that by 2030 our scientists will have developed food substitute that will easily feed the entire population. Of course there may be a few issues at the start, but I don’t envisage any one I care for dying.
‘All the cheques, sorry, research points to a need for enforced eco-madness’
Scientists have announced that more green energy is needed to stop the planet being destroyed. ‘If the government does not act now and transfer huge amounts of public money to private companies making green energy then our funding will dry up,’ Carlos Dang said yesterday at the Conference of Climate Catastrophe.
The Alps will soon be under water
He continued, ‘There is no time to spare. If the payments do not begin soon we will have to start making more and more unhinged claims about climate change in order to frighten the population into complying.
‘We have learned a lot about how to do this by watching government ramp up Covid hysteria over the last year