‘All the cheques, sorry, research points to a need for enforced eco-madness’
Scientists have announced that more green energy is needed to stop the planet being destroyed. ‘If the government does not act now and transfer huge amounts of public money to private companies making green energy then our funding will dry up,’ Carlos Dang said yesterday at the Conference of Climate Catastrophe.
The Alps will soon be under water
He continued, ‘There is no time to spare. If the payments do not begin soon we will have to start making more and more unhinged claims about climate change in order to frighten the population into complying.
‘We have learned a lot about how to do this by watching government ramp up Covid hysteria over the last year
‘His roaring was wonderful. Much more impressive than the other spaniels’
A lion named Hannibal has won the Bardonshire dog show. ‘We have never seen such a wonderful mane on a Spaniel, Hannibal was the clear winner,’ one of the judges said.
But he’s not a Spaniel
Kerry Howe, owner of Fred, a spaniel that was competing in the same competition later said, ‘I am sure than Hannibal is great, but he is a lion. Lions should not be competing as spaniels. The whole world has gone mad if they accept this.’
Kerry has now been banned from entering the show again. Already seven other lions have applied to enter the next show in the spaniel class
Remove quarantine for everyone and stop larping North Korea
The government has today started muttering that the absurd quarantine rules that we are living under will be lifted. Good news you might think, but it will only apply to the double-vaccinated.
The madness continues
Which means that many people are stuck with the insane totalitarian quarantine that North Korea would reject as too severe.
It makes no sense
People who have had the vaccine still spread the virus and can still catch the virus. So this is a peculiar decision. What are they trying to achieve? It’s an unnecessarily divisive step that continues the long list of Government responses to the pandemic that make no sense.
‘Artists should be arrested if they do not bow to the current orthodoxy’
‘The art world has for too long let artists make work that doesn’t fit with the views of woke activists on Twitter,’ Sharia Elbert said today. ‘As head curator at Rawlson Galleries I have put in place a system to make sure this never happens again.
‘We used to choose artists to show based on merit. Now we will not even look at their work until it has been vetted by a committee of activists with their own axes to grind.’
Mx Elbert continued to give examples of work that was acceptable to be shown in a modern gallery. ‘Yes,’ she added, ‘This does mean that works by artists such as Renoir, Warhol, Pollock, Caravaggio, Michelangelo and so on must be destroyed, but that is no great loss. We have plenty of intersectional artists to replace them with. Ticket sales may be a little down, but that is a small price to pay for progressive freedom.’
‘If we do ever show work that you feel does not embrace all current woke standards, please get in touch and we will do our best to rectify the situation.’
Covid ‘sofa variant’ to keep the country locked down until Christmas
The next unlocking date for the country is looking in doubt after a new Covid variant was found down the back of the PM’s new sofa.
‘We knew it was somewhere, but no one could remember where they had last seen it,’ a No.10 spokesman said. ‘We were beginning to panic that we would have no reason to keep the country locked down. Then the PM said ‘hang on, I’ve had an idea,’ looked behind the cushions on his new sofa and pulled it out. We are very lucky that the PM found the Sofa Variant, or we might have had to open up the country.’
The spokesman continued, ‘If everyone could keep an eye out for new variants and send any new ones to the Ministry for Scaremongering, Whitehall, that would be very helpful. We still hope to completely unlock the country by 2050.’
Whistleblower claims policy decisions made by late night dice rolls
Mr Hxncxck, who wishes to remain anonymous but claims he holds ‘a high level role in the government’ has admitted that Covid policy has ‘mainly been decided by rolling dice’.
‘It started when we couldn’t decide how long to lock down for. The PM said, ‘I’ll fetch my lucky dice,’ and he rolled a three. So we locked down for three weeks.’
‘Soon we were putting all our decisions to the dice. We even decided how many Nightingale hospitals to open by rolling dice. I actually said we shouldn’t use dice to decide how much PPE to order, but I was overruled by the PM.
‘We has no idea how long was appropriate for quarantine, so we rolled two dice and came up with two fives. So we said you had to quarantine for ten days, but could take a test after five. It was a good compromise that took both dice into account.’
These revelations have been met by widespread head-nodding. Phrases such as ‘At last the illogical government response to Covid makes sense’ have been heard around the UK.
‘The fact we only started kneeling after the Marxist BLM group made it popular is irrelevant’
Mx Cxllum Bott, head of Woke Infiltration and Football in the UK, today denounced football fans who have booed the taking of the knee.
‘These fans are racist fascists,’ he said. ‘How can they possibly think that our footballers are doing anything to support a Marxist group that wants to defund the police, destroy the nuclear family and dismantle capitalism? Yes we are using the same gesture as a Marxist group which wants to defund the police, destroy the nuclear family and dismantle capitalism and we did use their name for a while, but it could not be clearer that our taking of the knee is nothing to do with that.’
When asked how it was clear that the gesture was not to do with the BLM group, given they popularised taking a knee, Bott replied, ‘I won’t dignify this suggestion with a response. We are not Marxists, we identify much more with Gramsci and Hegel and our long march through the institutions is almost…
‘The health department is a big old thing and to blame just one person for any perceived failings is just perverse.’
Today the health minister Sir Barney About-Face set out in very clear terms why he is not to blame for anything that has happened since that man ate that bat in Wuhan.
‘It has come to my attention,’ he said, ‘that people are saying rude things like “Sir Barney ordered PPE from his mates and it didn’t work” and “Why did we clap the NHS if it was the prime location where people caught Covid in the first place?” These are outrageous statements and if we had a more robust form of government like they have in China or Northern Korea then people who say these things would be arrested and dealt with.
Let me just say that if anyone is to blame then it is the Labour party, who did nothing to put in place a robust pandemic response when they were in power.’
When asked about the catastrophic decision to return people to care homes from hospitals he said, ‘That was the finest and most wonderful decision that could be made. If it was implemented incorrectly, leading to thousands of unnecessary deaths that is hardly my fault.
This country always wants to criticise the successful like me. “Oh a few people died of Covid! Oh a few of my mates made millions of pounds! Boo hoo! I’d like to see you run a health ministry better. In fact, I challenge you all. When Covid-23 hits we will… continued on p.24
Karry d’Imple, head of the newly formed England and Wales Association for Wokery, Language conformity, Right-think and Cricket has announced today that the English team to tour Australia will be chosen according to their twitter history rather than ability with bat and ball.
‘Other countries are still choosing cricketers by the old method of seeing who is best at bowling and batting and choosing them. This is a racist and white supremacist method of choosing participants and we refuse to be a part of that evil paradigm. Instead we have a team of researchers reading the old tweets of every cricketer in England. Those that reflect the most pure thoughts will be taken to Australia.’
In answer to a question she continued, ‘it is true that if Australia continues to chose the best cricketers then we may not win quite as often as the public were expecting. But that is not an issue as we are going to conduct social media archeology on all Australian cricketers and refuse to play any of them that have ever said anything deplorable. We are expecting that no Australian will be found pure enough to play us.’ The Ashes will probably stay in England forever.
Labour spokesman admits that they should have spent more time insulting people on social media to be assured of victory
The Labour Party has examined its recent electoral failure and decided that it was entirely avoidable. ‘We should have concentrated on calling people names even more than we did,’ spokesman Kenda Hobbson-Choice explained.
List of approved insults
By the next election the Labour party will put in place a list of approved insults that all MPs will have access to. ‘We don’t think that the problem is MPs not having the right vocabulary to insult properly, but in case it is part of the issue this will help.
People like to see MPs posting insults
‘We lost votes because our MPs didn’t insult enough people. Our surveys show that insults are the best way to create an inclusive society. The more insults we throw out the more votes we get. Simple. And if the other side respond in a similar fashion they get thrown off social media for spreading mis-information. It’s a win-win situation.’
When asked if she was sure this was the right approach she called the police and reported a hate crime.
Have you been affected by any of these issues? Has your MP tweeted insults on Twitter? If so get in touch.