English cricket team to be chosen by twitter history rather than ability: ‘Ideological purity more important than centuries or wickets’

Karry d’Imple, head of the newly formed England and Wales Association for Wokery, Language conformity, Right-think and Cricket has announced today that the English team to tour Australia will be chosen according to their twitter history rather than ability with bat and ball.

‘Other countries are still choosing cricketers by the old method of seeing who is best at bowling and batting and choosing them. This is a racist and white supremacist method of choosing participants and we refuse to be a part of that evil paradigm. Instead we have a team of researchers reading the old tweets of every cricketer in England. Those that reflect the most pure thoughts will be taken to Australia.’

In answer to a question she continued, ‘it is true that if Australia continues to chose the best cricketers then we may not win quite as often as the public were expecting. But that is not an issue as we are going to conduct social media archeology on all Australian cricketers and refuse to play any of them that have ever said anything deplorable. We are expecting that no Australian will be found pure enough to play us.’ The Ashes will probably stay in England forever.

Singer thrown out of band for reading book #cancelculture

In a bizarre episode that could not have been imagined a few years ago,  a singer has been thrown out of his band for reading a book. 

The Free Speechers

Band members of the psychedelic hip-hop/grime outfit The Free Speechers used to have no issues with Steven Gatsby reading books, in fact they used to point at him and laugh when he did it.

‘He always had his nose in a book,’ guitarist Colin Hebb said. ‘We though nothing of it and just called him Book as a nickname.’

But things changed when it became clear that other people were critising the band because of Gatsby’s bookish habits.

Burning MP3 files

‘Once I knew he had read a book there was no way I was going to listen to his music any more,’ commented Maggie243 on social media. ‘If I had known he had thoughts and weighed arguments then I would never have bought it in the first place. He has put me in a very tricky situation as I want to burn all his music, but because I downloaded it that means I will have to burn my computer. But I will, that is how strongly I feel about this issue. We don’t want musicians to think. I used to like his music but now think it is awful.’

Money

‘Once our music was being dissed and it looked like people might stop buying it then we had to act,’ Hebb said. ‘Yes it is mad that an online mob can get angry because someone read a book, but they have a lot of purchasing power and so we have to do what they say. I’ll miss Steven, I used to learn as he quoted bits of his books to me.’

Dennis Throp   

Screenshot 2021-03-11 at 11.40.08