‘We’ve had a good run, but it’s a struggle to find new things,’ said an anonymous spokesman. ‘I blame Brexit.’
After last week’s unsuccessful claim that pickled onions were racist, leftists have admitted they are getting worried that they are running out of things to call racist. ‘We’re just struggling to find the links anymore,’ Mr C said by video link from his mansion in Cheshire. ‘Socks, pillows, cats, tarmac…we’ve claimed all these things must be cancelled, but people think our reasons are getting tenuous. For example we cancelled socks because slave traders often wore them, but people just don’t care anymore.’
When asked if they had overplayed the racism card, Mr C said only a racist would suggest that, swore about plague island, drank a pint of vegan beer and…cont p.24
‘It shouldn’t be controversial to say that we support BLT. They’re delicious and healthy’
An England footballer who wants to remain anonymous has waded into the row over the team kneeling before matches. ‘Yes, of course we are kneeling for BLT. It is amazing that this is controversial. They are the best sandwiches around’, he said, ‘and anyone who says otherwise is a racist and should be banned from all football grounds in the world for ever.’
Whistleblower claims policy decisions made by late night dice rolls
Mr Hxncxck, who wishes to remain anonymous but claims he holds ‘a high level role in the government’ has admitted that Covid policy has ‘mainly been decided by rolling dice’.
‘It started when we couldn’t decide how long to lock down for. The PM said, ‘I’ll fetch my lucky dice,’ and he rolled a three. So we locked down for three weeks.’
‘Soon we were putting all our decisions to the dice. We even decided how many Nightingale hospitals to open by rolling dice. I actually said we shouldn’t use dice to decide how much PPE to order, but I was overruled by the PM.
‘We has no idea how long was appropriate for quarantine, so we rolled two dice and came up with two fives. So we said you had to quarantine for ten days, but could take a test after five. It was a good compromise that took both dice into account.’
These revelations have been met by widespread head-nodding. Phrases such as ‘At last the illogical government response to Covid makes sense’ have been heard around the UK.