Karry d’Imple, head of the newly formed England and Wales Association for Wokery, Language conformity, Right-think and Cricket has announced today that the English team to tour Australia will be chosen according to their twitter history rather than ability with bat and ball.
‘Other countries are still choosing cricketers by the old method of seeing who is best at bowling and batting and choosing them. This is a racist and white supremacist method of choosing participants and we refuse to be a part of that evil paradigm. Instead we have a team of researchers reading the old tweets of every cricketer in England. Those that reflect the most pure thoughts will be taken to Australia.’
In answer to a question she continued, ‘it is true that if Australia continues to chose the best cricketers then we may not win quite as often as the public were expecting. But that is not an issue as we are going to conduct social media archeology on all Australian cricketers and refuse to play any of them that have ever said anything deplorable. We are expecting that no Australian will be found pure enough to play us.’ The Ashes will probably stay in England forever.