English cricket team to be chosen by twitter history rather than ability: ‘Ideological purity more important than centuries or wickets’

Karry d’Imple, head of the newly formed England and Wales Association for Wokery, Language conformity, Right-think and Cricket has announced today that the English team to tour Australia will be chosen according to their twitter history rather than ability with bat and ball.

‘Other countries are still choosing cricketers by the old method of seeing who is best at bowling and batting and choosing them. This is a racist and white supremacist method of choosing participants and we refuse to be a part of that evil paradigm. Instead we have a team of researchers reading the old tweets of every cricketer in England. Those that reflect the most pure thoughts will be taken to Australia.’

In answer to a question she continued, ‘it is true that if Australia continues to chose the best cricketers then we may not win quite as often as the public were expecting. But that is not an issue as we are going to conduct social media archeology on all Australian cricketers and refuse to play any of them that have ever said anything deplorable. We are expecting that no Australian will be found pure enough to play us.’ The Ashes will probably stay in England forever.

Church of England to replace Bible readings with excerpts from Critical Race Theory #LockdownTrumpet

New liturgy to include ten minute chants of ‘No justice, No Peace’

The Church of England has announced that it is to replace some bible readings with excerpts from critical race theory.

Bishop Hogwash Salton said, ‘I and the Church are institutionally racist, because racism is the trendy reason for any disparities whatsoever between people of different colours. I will therefore be giving my job to a minority and…no sorry, I mean making sure that 80% of all new clergy are minorities.’

Shouldn’t new ordinands by chosen by God not manmade quotas?

‘We know there will be some racists who say that God loves everyone regardless of skin colour, but we need to give him a bit of help to make sure that the right people get chosen.’

When asked if he realised that Critical Theory was never satisfied and would continue to push for change until the church was destroyed from within, he said, ‘As a neo-Marxist I am delighted to see the Church being destroyed.’ A Press Officer nearby jumped in at this point and said that he had mis-spoken and meant to say ‘As a committed Christian and

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Have you been affected by any of these issues? Have you ever seen an institution destroyed by Critical Theory? If so get in touch.